Pressed white shirts and dinner jackets at the ready, we certainly looked the part walking into Steakhouse Carnal. Admittedly the menu all reads rather well, so for pre-starter (I was very hungry) we went for a really simple shrimp cocktail. Classic marie rose sauce, small shrimps and fresh salad. This was comfort food to satisfy a craving, but certainly nothing more than that. The wine list was also on the simple side, and the house white had that cheap, lingering pear drop aroma. For a town which makes some delicious Dutch wine, it was a little embarrassing – especially considering how cheap they sell the stuff for, and how expensive Steakhouse Carnal sell theirs for.
Now when it comes to longoustines, I’m a big fan. In fact you could even call me an expert (although don’t take that quote so literally). From loungoustine, to lobster, to crab – I’ve been reading about them for a while now, in-depth. And these examples were good ones. Although I’ll argue that for 10 euro or so for only three of them is quite a lot considering the mess and very little meat you manage to prise from them. Unexpectedly though the bread was absolutely amazing – chunky, fluffy – smoky, grilled. God it was good. Completely off subject, but did you know a Lobster sheds its shell around twenty-five times in the first five years of its life? That shredding also involves ripping out its anus – with its mouth. You can’t say I don’t spoil you.
There are very little restaurant review blogs in the Netherlands. Why? I’m not sure – but they’re still stuck on Facebook for start. So when I do come here to the Netherlands I have the couple of websites I go to first, but otherwise I have to rely on TripAdvisor, and sometimes that can go horribly wrong. When it comes to restaurant reviews in Maastricht, I’d like to think I have the most comprehensive list around. And why would you come to me and not go to TripAdvisor? Well, TripAdvisor says the above ribs are the best in Maastricht. Maybe they are, but they’re also the worst. Dry, tough, tamely spiced and not many of them given the price. I’m always torn between a dry rub or ones dripping in sauce – but these were neither.
And then there was the mixed grill. It didn’t actually mention the surprise addition of more of those ribs, but it was the steak we were most excited for. And what a let down. That seven course tasting menu wasn’t sounding like a bad idea now. Our craving for juicy steak and some full on calorie carnage wasn’t at all as we hoped. The steak was tender enough, but the problem was the flavour – it didn’t have any. Too watery, no flavour and cooking it on the grill couldn’t even penetrate any smokiness. Chicken was again, worryingly on the juicy side – had it taken a quick skinny dip in the local sauna first? Corn on a cob took away some of the pain.
When we finally managed to get the dessert menu, between the incredibly slow service, we had no energy for it anymore. Knowing we may have to wait 30 minutes for it and probably be let down we decided on heading to the local waffle house instead (which was excellent). While I’m still on the hunt for the best steak in Maastricht, I think you’d have better luck risking one of the many good bistros and brasseries. If all else fails, sucking a piece of cardboard soaked in water could probably give the same effect as we had here.
4/10
